Thursday, April 24, 2008

Wednesday, April 23rd

Dear Ones,

It's 5:00 a.m. Cal time. James is sleeping sweetly in a little port-a –crib next to the bed. Brooks just went out for Starbucks, as he got up 3 times with him last night. I slept like the dead through all but one, praise God...with no dreams that I remember. This present reality has a surreal, dream-like feel to it, yet there is a déjà-vu element as well. Maybe it's that out of all my worst dark fantasy imaginings, this ranked in the top 3. How would it feel if it were my child? It almost feels oddly familiar...though perhaps I'm just still in shock. Yesterday (I think....time has no meaning any more) some of Katherine's Athens Academy friends who live in LA (Emily Callaway and Andrew DePalma) came by the hospital to encourage us. Andrew said something about how we can talk about our faith, but it is times like these when we live it. That started a chain of thought when I escaped for some air later on. This is it. This is what we've been in training for, what we've been given preparation for. I'm not ready for the test, but it's too late now to cram for the exam.

I can't do this.

I will have to be carried.

I realize that will depend on whether or not I allow myself to be. There is certainly no dearth of arms here. I have been held and hugged and held up by countless people whose names I don't even know. The lobby of UCLA Med Center has become a sea of love and pizza and baby toys and prayer. The first night they kept politely asking Amie and me to please stop lying on the floor, and told us we needed to get the food out. They have long since thrown in the towel. It seems that there are always 30 or so people waiting, praying, eating, sleeping, being with us. They are weeping 'with those who weep' (us), but they are weeping for themselves as well. It is stunning to hear each one's story of Katherine's significance in their lives. I find myself looking around for her, knowing how she would revel in the party of friends and strangers.....turning them all into friends.

Time's out....Prince James just woke up grumpy.

Reprieve: He's just learned how to hold his own bottle! ( I bought him a t-shirt that says, "What happens at Grandma's stays at Grandma's"....this should probably stay in that category.) Katherine had planned on nursing him at least until summer. It is amazing how resilient he's been, suddenly being raised by committee. Katherine's friends here are unbelievably selfless, loving, and hands-on. They are guiding us in being new baby parents again....making schedules, gathering equipment, bringing food, diapers, clothes. He's had his diapers changed by at least 20 different people; been fed, rocked, and put to sleep by others. This is the efficiency of the body of Christ operating in an emergency.

4:00 p.m.: I want to write much more, but there's no time now. It is important to me to do this because I feel that something much bigger than anything I've ever seen before is happening here. In spite of my fear, in spite of doubt, in spite of inadequacy, in spite of sin, in spite of a "bad prognosis," a miracle is taking place. I want to record it as it unfolds.

p.s. When I checked my voicemail this afternoon, I had a message from Kat and Jay's friend J.T. He had left it the night before. Among other things, he said, "Kim, you are being carried." God knows me well, and is anticipating every need. His grace is sufficient. Please keep on carrying me for the long haul. I love you all so much, dear friends. I can't tell you how much the calls, texts, emails, etc. have meant to us. We are overwhelmed.



madamekillina said...

Dearest Kim-
Killian Manning here, one of Katherine's prof's from Samford (Coffee Jello :-) ). You and I sat together at the Miss Alabama pageant and shared loving and funny tales of your beautiful daughter. I just wanted to tell you that your blog entry is amazing!! Knowing that you need to be carried is such a gift--and Katherine's and Jay's circle of beloveds ALL have very strong arms. We ARE HERE, lifting you up to The One with the strongest arms of all.
With love and strength,

Fae Davidson said...

Just as Moses needed Aaron and others to hold up his arms so that Israel would prevail, so am I here holding you up with faithful friends holding me up on your behalf. You taught me about that. I will never forget. We love you all so very much. Fae (from Trapper too)

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

I stumbled across your daughter's carepage by accident, and found the link to your blog. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of and praying for you all - especially Katherine. With much love from another mum who has sat beside her child's bed in ICU, hoping and praying that all will be well. Keep hanging in there - we are all walking with you. With love from Alison in Cardiff, UK.

Bobbie said...

Kim and Family,
I am constantly praying for your precious Katherine ("Acceptance-with-Joy, Bearing-in-Love, Grace and Glory").....remember "even hinds' feet seem to need a rest now and then!" While she rests I cry out for her, "The Lord is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me walk upon mine high places." I am praying for your body too Kim - just continue to be carried and loved!
Bobbie Lloyd
Charleston, SC

Sweet & Sowers said...

There are many around the world lifting your arms as this battle is fought. If I may introduce you to one group, it's my family. My cousin Danny has AVM and had emergency brain surgery last summer. The doctors had pessimistic warnings, but GOD WAS GRACIOUS as He always is! Danny has fully recovered and is as full of joy, and energy, and movement as ever. My family is BELIEVING for a miracle and praying that the Lord will be even more gracious to Katherine than He was to Danny.

Much love,
(Katherine & Jay's RA)
and my whole extended family

candycarrillo said...

Beloved friend Kim,
I am ready to help bear your burdens, carrying your concerns for your health, in addition to the extended families', to the LORD. Lyn reminded me so long ago, "He will never leave nor forsake you", and we both know, "He will never give you more than you can bear", but we wish he didn't have quite as much confidence in us with THAT promise at times such as these.It's okay not to feel strong, because we know, "in our weakness His strength is perfected". When I think of people who have had great influence in my growth as a Christian, you are one of the first to come to mind. Go back and read your tributes for your fortieth birthday if you saved them sometime- if you need written affirmation of all the times you listened to The Spirit and interceded as an earthly helper because of your servant's heart. It is now our time to serve you and yours. My back isn't very strong or large,(just my mouth), but God's hands are, as is the yoke Jesus promised to join us to Him. Rest in those assurances. He knows your heart, your desires, your needs, long before they are spoken, and you are loved by so many in these earthly bodies, greater yet by the Giver of Love.
Continuing in prayer throughout each day,

Katie said...

Kim, I have read your blog constantly for the past year and feel I should reread it to be reminded how amazing it is to see Katherine now. I love the honesty and vulnerability shown in your writing, especially this one where you mention being held and carried through this. It's one thing to know it, it's another to accept it. Thank you for reminding us (me) to let go of our pride and allow others to carry us through storms, especially to allow Jesus to carry us. Thank you for taking the time to write these...I know I'll have more comments later as you've written a lot of very good pieces.
Much love,
Katie (Samford '06)