Keeping It Real

I’ve gotten so many lovely emails talking about ‘how strong I’m being’ that I feel guilty. I need to reiterate the comments in “About Me.” Don’t think the Dark Side has left us completely alone during these past three weeks. In spite of the most awesome prayer support in the history of the world, sometimes I lose a battle or two. In an effort to avoid hypocrisy, I’m going to let you see a blog never sent. (Just so you know that it’s really not me.)

Here goes:

Okay, I’ve had enough now. This has been great, playing the part of the brave, faithful mother. But it’s time to go home now. It’s time to get back to what passes for normal. I’ve got a lot to do. I left half-finished messes at home. There are wedding presents to be sent, graduation festivities to be planned, carpets to be cleaned, summer plans to be made. I’ve got to get back to my life now.

I want to sleep in my own bed. With my husband. I’m lonely. I have that feeling inside my chest that some of us had at summer camp when we stifled our sobs with pillows.

Most of all, I want my daughter back. I want my uber-efficient, dynamic, charismatic daughter to take over now. She’d know what to do to make everything okay. She’d pay me back for her happy childhood by taking care of me. She’d tell me what to do about James.

I feel lost. I think we all feel a little lost....and homesick. Homesick for a life that’s not coming back.

I’m so very, very, very tired.

....joy had better come in the morning.

I have to count on it.


The morning after writing that, I received this:


1 From the depths of despair, O Lord,
I call for your help.
2 Hear my cry, O Lord.
Pay attention to my prayer.
3 Lord, if you kept a record of our sins,
who, O Lord, could ever survive?
4 But you offer forgiveness,
that we might learn to fear* you.
5 I am counting on the Lord;
yes, I am counting on him.
I have put my hope in his word.
(from Psalm 130, NLT)

(*revere, be in a state of awe)

Over the years, I've learned that I can count on few things in life. (The 'death and taxes' thing is actually fairly accurate.) But I've also learned...the hard way....that I can count on the one who is "the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow." Although He doesn't always let me have my own way, He has never let me down.