Monday, May 12, 2008

Keeping It Real

I’ve gotten so many lovely emails talking about ‘how strong I’m being’ that I feel guilty. I need to reiterate the comments in “About Me.” Don’t think the Dark Side has left us completely alone during these past three weeks. In spite of the most awesome prayer support in the history of the world, sometimes I lose a battle or two. In an effort to avoid hypocrisy, I’m going to let you see a blog never sent. (Just so you know that it’s really not me.)

Here goes:

Okay, I’ve had enough now. This has been great, playing the part of the brave, faithful mother. But it’s time to go home now. It’s time to get back to what passes for normal. I’ve got a lot to do. I left half-finished messes at home. There are wedding presents to be sent, graduation festivities to be planned, carpets to be cleaned, summer plans to be made. I’ve got to get back to my life now.

I want to sleep in my own bed. With my husband. I’m lonely. I have that feeling inside my chest that some of us had at summer camp when we stifled our sobs with pillows.

Most of all, I want my daughter back. I want my uber-efficient, dynamic, charismatic daughter to take over now. She’d know what to do to make everything okay. She’d pay me back for her happy childhood by taking care of me. She’d tell me what to do about James.

I feel lost. I think we all feel a little lost....and homesick. Homesick for a life that’s not coming back.

I’m so very, very, very tired. had better come in the morning.

I have to count on it.

The morning after writing that, I received this:

1 From the depths of despair, O Lord,
I call for your help.
2 Hear my cry, O Lord.
Pay attention to my prayer.
3 Lord, if you kept a record of our sins,
who, O Lord, could ever survive?
4 But you offer forgiveness,
that we might learn to fear* you.
5 I am counting on the Lord;
yes, I am counting on him.
I have put my hope in his word.
(from Psalm 130, NLT)

(*revere, be in a state of awe)

Over the years, I've learned that I can count on few things in life. (The 'death and taxes' thing is actually fairly accurate.) But I've also learned...the hard way....that I can count on the one who is "the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow." Although He doesn't always let me have my own way, He has never let me down.


Jessica Billings said...

I think that even by showing this side of you, it still shows how strong you get back up and keep relying on God, even when it seems like there is no normalcy in life anymore. Katherine must be very proud of having you for a mother and baby James seems to be in very good hands! I couldn't help but think about you both yesterday...I was very glad to read this morning that Katherine was able to see James! Still praying for you all here in Florida...

heidi said...

Dear Kim
I am one of the people that are reading your blogs that you have never met. I have seen Katherine and Jayson at my church. Jay Wolf is my dear friend and pastor.
I came to the body after Jayson had already left to go to college. I heard all about their beautiful wedding and knew they had headed off to Malibu for law school. We were so excited to see James when he was dedicated.
I spend several moments several times a day to pray for Katherine. I visualize her brain stem. I see radiated love and light making all the tissues of her brain glow. I imagine that I shrink down and hug her brainstem. I hold each cranial nuclei and cranial nerve with one hand while I supernaturally stretch out my other hand to the corresponding tissues. I imagine God's life force reactivating and reanimating cells. Repair and renewal generated through the Holy Spirit. All neural transmissions intiated, transmitted and recieved. I kneel in the ventricles of her brain while a gentle pulsing flow of cerebral spinal fluid flows past me. I pray for her ability to one day stand, hold her man, her baby and even give her mom a hug. In my mind I see Jesus mixing dirt and spit and placing it on Katherine's eyes. I see the balm of gilead on the deep hurting inside places that no one can put into accurate words. I pray for peace that passes understanding. I stand on the promise that all things work for good to those who believe and are called according to His purpose.
Remember when this situation looks dark and its hard to see the light, when your burden is heavy enough to crush you, cast your eyes upon the Lord.
Simply put......LOOK UP......
.....KEEP YOUR EYES ON JESUS... ............'cause you ain't gonna find him looking down. We sink when we look down. Cast all your anxieties upon him because he cares for us. I pray in the casting that your trust is strengthened. Trust in the Lord. He Loves each one of us.
Sincerely, a stranger who
loves you

Haley Ballast said...

this cuts to the heart for me... i am also a reader who doesn't know you, but my sister is living through something similar to what you are, though her son is only 3 months old and has never left the hospital. she is living away from her husband to be with her son. thank you for sharing your heart. my prayers go up with so many others'...

michelle said...

Dear Kim,
Even Jesus wept in sorrow. You are due those moments of tears - as many as you'd like! Those moments, however, do not detract from your incredible strength and obviously feul your bountiful faith. Everyone is calling you strong because, with your beautiful words, you are comforting us when you are the one in need of comfort. You are an inspiration to us all. Thank you for sharing your most intimate thoughts. Katherine clearly feels your strength and your faithfulness, and so do we!! lots of prayers from Michelle Sligh and Family

nancy said...

...but it really is God through you.

You and Katherine find yourselves on the hilltop. As you open up to others, they open up with God. From that hilltop, they are learning:

"You are blessed when you are at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

You are blessed when you feel you have lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

You are blessed when you are content with just who you are -- no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves owners of everything that can't be bought.

You are blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He is food and drink in the best meal you will ever eat.

You are blessed when you care. At the moment of caring, you find yourselves cared for.

You are blessed when you get your inside world put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

You are blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family."
Matthew 5 (TMSG)

Katherine is drawing a huge crowd for Jesus. Yes, you want to join the crowd, but that's not where God has placed you this time.

love from a mother

Kim Arnold said...

To my Sisters,both Known and "Un-",

Today was a rough day. My middle child took me out to dinner to get away from the hospital. When I came back and read these inspired, heartfelt notes, I had some healthy tears. Thank you so much for coming alongside me. I hope that God will allow me to "pay it forward" someday to another devastated mom...who is, nonetheless, not without hope.

In His love,

Lara said...

Hello Kim! Thanks for being so honest and raw! You all are in my prayers daily! It is amazing how the Lord is carrying you and holding you up when you can’t do it on your own. He won’t let go of you or Katherine!
I love this song below and heard it today and wanted to share it with you!

"Never Let Go"
David Crowder Band

When clouds veil sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh what love
Oh, what love, oh what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You’re the same
Oh, You never let go

Blessings from Arizona

Patty said...

I do not know you or Katherine. My daughter knows your daughter who went to Ole Miss and sent me the links. I've been reading, crying, and praying for Katherine and your family.
What you are experiencing as a mother is completely normal. What mother would want to see her child suffer? But know that your blog is touching lives and hearts for Jesus. Katherine is having a tremendous impact for Him even as she struggles to get well. I'm sure there are days and hours and minutes when you think you cannot go on, but remember that sisters and brothers in Christ are lifting you up -that Jesus himself prays for you and carries you through this long dark night.
My prayers are with Katherine, you, and your family. I have sent the links to all my prayer warrior friends asking them to pray, too. So we are praying for you all in Mississippi. Love in Him

Shawn Cole said...

Thank you for sharing your heart and for feeling comfortable enough to be vunerable before the masses praying for you, Katherine, and all your families - a glimpse into your heart has showed us all what God can do through the hurting. You are a strong testament of His love and grace and our prayers will not cease.
Blessings, Shawn Cole

Morgan said...

I am praying God's perfect healing in your daughter's life. I pray that God continues to give you and your family strength and the kind of comfort that only He can bring.
I'm another person that you haven't met but was asked to pray for Katherine by my friend Emily who was a camp counselor with her. Thank you for sharing your journey with us; I will continue to pray.
May you feel His peace today,

Kathy Bangle said...

Kim - I think these types of conversations with God is what He really cherishes. He knows what we are thinking but I believe it is ok to say what you feel to Him and share it with others. You are an inspiration for so many, and I thank you for expressing your feelings. I can't imagine how tired you feel, how strong you want and need to be; how lonely, hurt and anxious you must be; how hopeful and thankful, how confused and yet clear; proud and blessed as well as mad, disappointed and sad. You must have felt and continue to feel every emotion. Jesus felt these too.
I will continue to pray for your strength and health along with that of Katherine, Brooks, Jay and James.

Love - Kathy

April said...

the Lord loves your heart, your honest heart. He loves you dearly and you and Katherine are in the palm of His hand.
I pray for you daily.
Much love,
April Roland

Anonymous said...

Dear Kim,
I feel I know you ... how I appreciate reading a mother's perspective.

Thank you for your candid and heart-felt sharing. Every day, since that Monday night when we here at Bel Air learned about Katherine, I plug into facebook and your blog. Each sentence directs me to specific prayer for Katherine, you, and the family. The Lord has each of us keep a prayerful vigil during the wee hours of the day, our workdays, and during our quiet-time with Him. Katherine and you are continually present in our prayers. We are expecting even more miracles from Katherine's walk through these battle-fields. Amazing - how many lives Katherine touched and influenced before this arduous trial; and how many more lives Katherine, you, and her family of believers' faith are touching and compelling (perhaps unknown) seekers and witnesses to see His will, His glory, His grace, and His love, shown through each of your daily prayerful and faithful activities in and around Katherine.

Lord, shelter Katherine under your wings . . . continue healing Katherine.

Erna & Todd Maroot

Mommy to those Special Ks said...

Kim, I don't know how I foun your blog, but I've been reading for several days and praying for Katherine and your whole family. As a mother, I can't imagine...

Last year, my daughter Kennedy was going throuh chemotherapy for Leukemia. It was hard for me to determine how "REAL" I should be on her carepage. I tried to keep everything light and positive at first, but the reality was, while she did have her good days, she has CANCER. She was getting poison pumped into her body. My tiny 3 year old little girl was losing her hair, losing her strength and I was losing my mind. And there were days that it was just impossible to BE positive...

Our human side is NOT strong... it's very weak and threatens to crumble at any moment. Thankfully that is the time that God is there to carry us through and His strength shines through us. Even when we feal weary and heavy laden, don't be surprised when others see your strength. You continue on for your child. I can imagine that whether they are 3 or 30, the fight is still the same.

Hang in there and know we are praying... for all of you.

Renee site name: KennedyGarcia