Undoing

The first time I had a cervical disk bulge out, I was flat on my back for 6 weeks. The pain made natural childbirth seem like a mosquito bite. I could neither read nor watch the idiot box. Ponder that for a minute. Six weeks of staring at the ceiling, thinking about the meaning of life. For at least a year before that, I had been receiving subtle messages to S-L-O-W D-O-W-N. I heeded not. As a wise man said to me later, “Kim, you were given a period of ‘enforced rest.’”

There are many, many lessons to be learned from times such as that. Unfortunately, I have to learn some of them over and over again.

Personally, I think we are a speed-addicted society. (Soapbox Time!) Significance is measured by movement. It doesn’t necessarily matter where, how, or why we move...just so we keep on dancin’ as fast as we can. I stumbled across this alarmingly graphic passage once when I was in a receptive mode:

"Priests and prophets stagger from beer/and are befuddled with wine;they reel from beer, they stagger when seeing visions;/ they stumble when rendering decisions.
8 All the tables are covered with vomit/and there is not a spot without filth.
9 "Who is it he is trying to teach?/To whom is he explaining his message? To children weaned from their milk, /to those just taken from the breast?
10 For it is: Do and do, do and do, / rule on rule, rule on rule ; / a little here, a little there."
11 Very well then, with foreign lips and strange tongues/God will speak to this people,
12 to whom he said,/"This is the resting place, let the weary rest";
and, "This is the place of repose"— but they would not listen.
13 So then, the word of the LORD to them will become:
Do and do, do and do,/ rule on rule, rule on rule;/a little here, a little there—
so that they will go and fall backward,/ be injured and snared and captured. "
(Isaiah 28:7-13)

I am no theologian, but I got a message from that. Hundreds of years after it was written, it was rephrased through the living lips of Love:

“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matt.11:28-30)

I suspect I’m not alone in being my own worst enemy. Why do so many of us keep on ‘doing and doing,’ vainly attempting excellence in obedience to societally-absorbed rules, self-flagellating with the whip of perfectionistic performance-orientation? That is not what is required. Relationship, not rigid rule-following, is the desire of Father’s heart. Quality of time, not quantity of tyrannical laboring to ‘accomplish'. Resting instead of working; being instead of doing.

Last night, I was fiddling around with my laptop trying to find forms of entertainment and/or stimulation for Katherine. It suddenly dawned on me that she didn’t give a flip about the bells and whistles; she just wanted me close to her. She is lonely. I got in the standing snuggle position, held her hand, and fixed my eyes about 6 inches away from her good one. I told her what I needed to tell myself. I said, “Katherine, I know how frustrating this must be for you, of all people. But I want you to know that you are accomplishing more of your greatest goals lying here in this bed than you did out of it. I don’t understand it, and I’m sure you don’t either, but God is using you to fulfill his purposes right where you are. Can you see it?” There was a slight pause, then she squeezed my hand. She gently stroked my cheek for good measure. My nearness was all she’d wanted the whole time I’d been messing around with gadgets. I think that’s what He really wants from me, too.